You live with the scar of the past,
And you fail to see the present.
My eyes fail to see anything, but you,
They want you, and only you.
What can i do,
When i am in love with a person
Who doesn't even know i exist.
I just wanted to be with you,
You live in your own safe shell.
I am at a risk of doing that myself,
What will i do, then?
She looked at the clock. There was still a few minutes left.
Just a few minutes more.
She started the countdown in her mind.
25,24,23......9,8,7,......3,2,1.
It was 12 o'clock, and it was her birthday.
It comes once in a year, every year.
But, this year, everything looked better and at the same time worse than the previous year.
Which should be called good and which should be put under bad?
She didn't know, and when she tried to name her feelings correctly, she failed, every single time.
To put it in a simple way, she was not herself anymore.
She fell in love with a person, who doesn't even know about her love.
This is what i was talking about. Which is bad and which is good in it?
And that day was her birthday.
She had resolved to wait till her birthday to expect any signs of love returned from that person.
When she decided to wait, it was ten months back, and she thought she wouldn't even be in love till her birthday.
How foolish she had been!
She was still in love, if not stronger.
The time was 12.01 then, and calls started coming. She thanked everyone. But with each call, her mood sank more. She didn't get the call she wanted.
She decided to wait.
The clock showed 12.46 AM.
May be a message had come.
She checked her inbox.
Nothing.
Sleep took over her and the first thing she did after waking up was checking her phone.
A few messages from friends.
A few facebook wishes.
She didn't find the name she wished anywhere there.
I still have the whole day. I will wait.
The day went on, and though the sun had gone down, her hope was still there.
She treated herself at the bookstore on her way home. After all it is her birtbday, and what better way than to gift herself.
She had her dinner, and she kept her phone beside her and laid down on the couch.
The clock struck 10.00 PM.
The phone rang. She picked it up eagerly.
It was her friend. Her friend kept on talking and talking, and she listened half heartedly.
Her mind was drifting, and when she finally bid her friend goodbye, it was nearly 11 PM.
The darkness of the night seemed gloomier than ever.
She opened her book and started reading. She barely crossed the first page. Her eyes kept on reading, but her mind were elsewhere.
She had to read again to keep up, and finally she could go no longer.
The day had ended.
When your crush replies to your text, it doesn't mean that he also has a crush on you. He is just being a gentleman, and doesn't want to make you feel like a jerk that you are.
And the irony is that realising it just makes you fall in love even more!
And you are done.
Finished.
The end.
You never know what will trigger your memory, and how deep you will be affected.
A simple song.
It was a tiresome day, and when I got to rest, music was a blessing. For a few minutes, the soul was relaxed, and when it was about to enter the zenith, a memory was triggered.
I remembered the days that I used to hear the song in repeat mode.
You don't have to imagine an old lady, remembering a song that came a few decades ago.
No.
Clear off that image. It is nothing but relevant.
The time I mentioned was nothing but an year ago. Just an year ago. Exactly.
And, the next thing I remembered was how happy I was!
Yes. Happiness.
And that was because I was not in love then, like I am now. Madly and deeply. That is what all those cinemas show you.
But, to be true to myself, it is true, with more implication on the word 'mad'.
I was happy, and contented.
Now, I am not happy and I have a deep longing for you. A longing that slowly developed into something stronger and lovelier, but the most painful.
Now, I am leaving.
Leaving the place and all. But, you know what is the thing that I am saddened about leaving? You.
Only you.
I have never had many attachments to people or place. And, I have been detesting the last few days.
And now, I am looking at the last day.
My last day of happiness or pain? I am not certain myself. How can u ask you?
You are just oblivious to everything. To me and my love.
And, I have to leave. I will be made to leave.
I don't have any other option to stay further. If it had been love from your side too, I would have turned heaven into hell to stay by your side.
But, that is not the matter.
It had always been nothing from your side.
And, I have had the load for a very long time.
And my soul seeks a sound sleep, a happy day. And it is happy, thinking that I will get all of that by leaving.
Joke if the year, isn't it?
It doesn't know that I have lost my soul when I fell in love with you, and by leaving you, I am leaving a part of me beside you.
The sad part is that my soul will forever be seeking a place in you.
What if i had a wish, one wish to be made?
I would wish for time travel. Don't think of me as a freak. But, i do want to time travel.
I want to go back to a time, when my heart was at peace, and the only thing that i cared about was what was i going go have for my next meal.
I want to go back to that time, and talk to myself.
You may wonder why should i waste a boon just to talk to myself. I can do it anytime.
But, some of us don't realise that the most important talk is talking to oneself.
I want to go back to that time, and when i look at him, and think about how great he is, i want to hit the past myself with something i can get hold of, and give a huge hit on the head, and say 'Forget it!'
Whenever my heart flutters because of his so good character, i want to give a huge slap to myself, and say 'Don't you dare!'
And when i finally fall for him, i want to kill the stupid smile i am wearing on my face, and say, 'You are so dead!'
By talking to myself, i can be not so miserable, as i am right now.
If the Heavens are so merciful to bless me with a greater boon, i demand to unsee him.
There may not be such a word, and if it is even remotely possible, i would plead to erase the memories of him, his smile, his awkwardness, his boyishness, his goodness, and along with the memories of him, my happiness, my pain, my dreams, my insomnia, my excessive appetite, my sleep, my anorexia, my obsession and to shorten it for you, in a single word, 'me'.
With her hands tightly clamped over the pen, she started writing the fate's letter.
Dear,
I have started writing this letter that I am writing to you, with the word 'dear', but I am clueless about the right I have over the word in using it to address you.
But I do feel obliged to do so. Forgive me for my overwrought attitude.
The past few weeks have been exciting as it can ever happen. Life was heavenly and the world started looking beautiful.
When I first met you, I was relieved that your good looks did not excited me. I did not even expect anything to happen. It was not love at first sight.
I did not get to talk with you a lot for quite a few days. But, when I did, I never expected you to be like what you are now. You were and still are the only person to have spoken like that to me. My first impression about you was so bad that I will not want you to know what all went on in that treacherous little mind of mine.
I was a little awkward around you, and didn't know the reason then or even now. Some sweet mystery that was! My first impression was getting changed little by little.
I am not sure nor do I expect you to remember every tiny details. But, I remember it all and I want to say some of it to you. It may or may not be pleasing to hear for you.
I consider myself a girl with independent thoughts and lots of ambition, and I thought I had the guts to stand against the whole world. But you have reduced me to a person who is afraid to let you know my feelings.
By now, you would have well understood my intentions. But I request you to kindly read further as it has taken me some courage to do this.
Just a few weeks back, I was a normal person who snoozes up the alarm at a very dangerous rate. But after having met you, my heart refuses to quite down. Now, I lay awake in the early hours of the morning, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the sun to show its face, so that I no longer have to be in bed.
Sleep was my best companion once, and since I have sought a different one, it has left me. And how did that even happen? I am as clueless as you might be.
And when I was convincing myself over the loss of sleep, hunger left me too. I sit by myself waiting for you to show up.
If I can spend a few moments more with you, I am happy to go without food or sleep. I am that obsessed with you. I also want you to know that I have never been like this before. I have always been slightly egoistical, but now my world revolves around you.
(to be continued)
The moon looked brighter that day. The yellow colour formed a picturesque sight against the dark and the creepy sky. The chillness in the air grazed her gently and she shivered inwardly against the cold. Adding to her earthly worries was the decision she had made.
She adjusted the lamp and the shadow fell on top of the paper which she had placed on the uneven wooden table. She drew the table near to her and a screeching noise echoed through the room disrupting the eerie silence. She shuddered and looked inside her home for any signs of her act having caused a disturbance. But, being blessed sleepers, her family dreamed peacefully and their achievements in the dreams was not disturbed.
She gave a deep sigh and the night seemed to reflect her emotions. The events that had happened to her in the past month had changed her a lot. Though she had tried hard not to do what she had decided to do, her heart was never at peace with the previous decision, and finally, she had to surrender to her soul's ominous looking desire.
She took her fountain pen and opened the cap with obvious anxiety. Her soft hands smoothed out the paper, which looked dull and boring in the gloomy light from the lamp. She had made up her mind to do it then and no power on earth can prevent her from doing it.
With her face oozing with confidence, and her mouth forming a small smile, she got down to her work, and immersed herself in unrealistic realms.
She looked at her phone. The black screen reflected her melancholic mood. Her head resting on the soft pillow seemed to be heavier with time.
The time that was being taken for a single tick to double itself was killing her and she never knew something more painful. Her eyes grew heavier and the ticking of the clock was the only sound that could be echoed in the dark room. Slowly, her eyelids lost its fight against her will to wait and finally totally surrendered to the welcoming sleep. When her eyes closed completely, she removed her hands from the phone and it fell ever so slightly on the bed near her mane. And as if that was a cue, the phone vibrated and a small alert tune came from it, which mingled itself with the tune from the hands of the clock and went away without reaching the ears of the soul sleeping with expectations.
The sun was spreading his waves ever slowly. The evening sky was a pleasant sight to look at. But, at times, an enchanting surrounding alone will not make your heart go crazy.
She was seeing the sun set from her window. It was time for her to leave. The sinking feeling in the bottom of her heart was getting heavier with each minute. She tried to return back the smile directed at her by her colleagues.
But her eyes were waiting to let their pleasant gaze fall on the most wanted person in her life. Many would call it as a crush or infatuation or whatever name the world decides to name the kind of situation she has let herself in. But she believed that she was in love.
She has never gone sleepless before she met him. She has never acted crazy nor has she brainstormed ideas just to initiate a conversation. In other words, she was never been in love before and she was then.
Her heart rate started increasing alarmingly. It was the last day and she must do something that day.
The door opened and she looked eagerly at who was entering. She expected 'him' to be the person. But, it was just one of her other colleagues. Though it was the last day and she had no obligation to work after duty hours, she accepted to help and she immersed herself in work. The work looked no way near end and another person came for help.
It was 'him'.
She decided that the good fortune has given her one more opportunity in this form and she was glad that she didn't behave selfishly.
She tried not to stare at him, though she was smitten with him. She looked like a bee trying to stray near a flower. She didn't want to leave the place. When she had to go to a nearby room, she came back as soon as her work over there was over and her heart settled for the moment on seeing that he hadn't left.
Her assigned work was done and it was time to leave. Her friend insisted on dropping her. She wanted to wait till she had a chance to speak to him, preferably alone.
But the room was jam packed and he was busy in his work. Her friend was looking at her.
She decided that she will say to him. It doesn't matter even if he hates her. She just has to let it out. She didn't want to leave with an unrequited love. Yes. It was unrequited and she didn't want that to remain that way.
She went near him. But her friend pulled her hand and on the way said bye to him.
She didn't even have time to say a bye.
Time went in nanoseconds for her. His eyes met her. It was nil of reaction. She nodded her head implying that she was leaving and he nodded back.
On closing the glass door, she looked back at him. His face was in the opposite direction. She could only catch a glimpse of his broad shoulders, before two or three people suddenly blocked her view and she could see no more.
Her time was over.
She walked ever so slowly.
When she closed the door, she had also lost the confidence, that she had been building up for days.
Now, her heart asked her innumerable questions and she could answer none of it.
Her mind told her that he could have never loved a person like her and being the vulnerable person she was, she believed it and her heart was pounding.
It was crying for a love that was unrequited; it was crying for a love that was never uttered; it was trying to come back to its original place, but it also knew that it was always lost in him and she had lost a part of her in it.
